Unsettled

2008-07-22T23:15:00.000-07:00

i haven't said this but what i am feeling is unsettled. so many things are coming in my thoughts everytime im alone, when im about to sleep, when i woke up, or when i do anything. i thought everything was settled. im not sure though. i want to be mad but i cant. i want to defend myself but im out of reasons to.i want to cry. what i really want is a good serious talk to that one person. (now it makes me cry ).i want to tell that one person how devastated i am.i wanna know what's on the mind of that one person.but i know i am not suppose to.but you know that feeling that the only way to shut it off is to have a talk to that one person.(argh! now it makes my tear fall..sniff)..here is what i want to say..

i know i screwed up.im sori.lately i have realized that i really let it all controlled me rather me controlling it. i remembered telling you the line on the song Again by Janet Jakcson "don't just stand there and then tell me you love me then leave again"...because i know that it's gonna happen..another thing, i want to know how mad you are to me.i know everything is over and never will happen again.but atleast, please tell me what is in your heart.the things that you want to tell other than the usual.i know im the shit in your life.i screwed up everything.and that makes me the bad person here.im gonna stick it to my face.i am a loser. it doesnt matter anymore how hurt i am. because eversince, i was stuck with it.pain.hurt.sadness.anger. it was all inside me. tearing me apart, killing every inch of me little by little. nothing was left of me.and i know you're saying "you didn't read betweein the lines".but you didn't even notice that what i was doing was beyond my capability already.i was with you through all this.i didn't leave you alone.but why on that day, the day that i was fearful about happened and yet, you never ever, think that you were part of it.all im saying is we were in it together.you could've said the truth.you know why confronting her was a scary thing to do?it's because of the fact that you will never ever defend me to the thing that we did together.and it's true.it's always been.it happened before, remember?